BillBelew.com
BrainstormingFeedback

I Could Use A Little Help From My Friends1223

Rev private msg quote post Address this user
If I don't know you well enough for you to consider us friends, that's okay too. I'll take all the help I can get!

This is content of a different sort. It is about 1500 words, the prologue to a novel, titled Nimzovich Defense, which I want to release before the end of this year. I would appreciate any comments, critiques, criticisms, suggestions, or other remarks you care to make.

WARNING: If you are offended by a little "street language" do not click this link.

And, one last thing. If this is enough to interest you to read more, let me know and I'll see what I can work out.

http://chapterstogo.com/nimzovich-defense-prologue/
Post 1 • IP   flag post
SusanDay private msg quote post Address this user
I really like your writing style. I was intrigued and enthralled by the plot. It flows well and relaxing to read.

I assume the girl that is getting mugged is the one spoken about in the beginning but then time will tell.

I don't think it's my preferred genre but I would certainly keep reading from this point because it's written so well and I enjoyed what I'd read so far.

Being an "older" woman I know that there will be other female readers (not me) who would be put off with the older man / younger woman premise. I suppose this might narrow your readership but I don't think that matters.

What do you think?
Post 2 • IP   flag post
Belew private msg quote post Address this user
Plz remember I am just one person and my opinion is only mine.

I found myself being somewhat jerked around while reading this.

You switched from 1st to 3rd to 2nd to 1st to 3rd .... person throughout. I couldn't figure out as a reader where I was supposed to sit.

when you write things like 'proverbial bean pole' you come across cliché-ish.

Tell me that when they tussled back and forth behind the parking lot pillar just big enough to hang a fire extinguisher on that I could only see one of them at a time. She came up to his shirt pocket and he had to duck to walk in the garage.

You mentioned old old old many times. 40 is not old. Its relative I know. But you seemed to want to make a point abt age difference and I don't know why.

tell me she looked like she should be stepping on a bus to go to the nearest Jr college with a biology 101 book under her arm. And you had just closed your latest in a string of a half dozen or so, I lost count, of overseas consulting gigs since you told your last college professor to 'insert language here.'

Mark Twain would say, Don't tell me the lady screamed. Bring her up on stage and have her scream for me."

There is a lot of telling in your prologue and not enough showing.

Or so I think. I'll crawl back under my covers now.


Post 3 • IP   flag post
notyourmomscloset private msg quote post Address this user
Hi Rev, I just finished reading the excerpt you posted. It is easy to read and written in a way that doesn't require me to analyze everything just to understand a sentence. It is, however, written in a very "abrupt" manner, although I could say it's "easy reading" for airports, lunch hour, etc. when the atmosphere isn't right for deep thought.

What I would like to read is a very descriptive picture of what she looks like, what he looks like and even what the garage looks like. Is her hair long, oddly clean and a deep black that manages to pull a person down into the depths. Or is it a natural blazing red that only certain women can love and flaunt. Does her face look chiseled by street time given her young age and can you "feel" the pain and experiences that etched the road map of her life in her face. Or,is she oddly fresh-faced given her troubles? Her heart-shaped lips, without any lipstick, oddly red set in a firm and defiant look that said, "You are NOT taking my purse" with not a whisper of words. I really enjoy "seeing" a person I'm reading about.

Same for the man. He was feeling every day of his age because of his rather suddenly expanding "muffin top", but walking with a spring in his step as he glanced at the check once again. The wind had disheveled his salt and pepper hair. How could he possibly be so gray at the young age of forty? He wasn't sure why, but he neglected to shave that morning and his beard grew heavy and long just overnight. Atop the growth also showing too much gray, his bright blue eyes flashed as he heard the sound.

Different writing style for sure, but I love to draw a picture in my mind of who I'm "seeing".

Just my two cents worth, crawling back under the covers too.

Ellyn
Post 4 • IP   flag post
Rev private msg quote post Address this user
@SusanDay

Your comments are appreciated.

I know I won't/can't please everyone but, since I have a number of stories in my head that need telling, I have to write them and let those who will read them do so.

Thanks for taking the time to let me know your thoughts.
Post 5 • IP   flag post
Rev private msg quote post Address this user
@Belew

I wouldn't have asked if I didn't expect to be told. You hit on a number of points which I will take back to the keyboard as I revisit my writing. I am always appreciative of ideas, suggestions, interpretations, and ones "take" on it. While some might say I AM old, I'm still young enough to keep learning, adding, appreciating.

Thank you.
Post 6 • IP   flag post
Rev private msg quote post Address this user
@notyourmomscloset

Thanks for coming up for air long enough to share. Your mastery of description suggests you have the workings of your own novel hiding under those covers with you. I am looking forward to the day it breaks out for the world to see.

While I must be true to my own style and keep my own purpose in hand, there is nothing to keep me from stretching a little too. I am considering, and seriously thankful for, each thing you said.
Post 7 • IP   flag post
notyourmomscloset private msg quote post Address this user
I actually did get quite a start on a novel based on a not very good part of my life having to do with being a stalking victim. Unfortunately, law enforcement wasn't a huge help because well...it was someone in law enforcement. Therefore, it was very difficult for me to write taking rather a large emotional toll. My life is so blessed, safe, wonderful and strong now also with an equally yoked marriage that I put it aside. Now I have forgiven and pray for those who were involved. I still have scars, but they too are healing.
Post 8 • IP   flag post
jycmba private msg quote post Address this user
@Rev - would you be interested in forming a writing group in time for Nanowrimo? I've got a few things that I'm working on and could use the support to push at least one out the door.

My thought is to meet once a week on a Hangout and each week go over one person's chapter like the sample your provided.

I think we'd want to keep it to 3-5 writers like a mastermind, but the focus is fiction since a lot of us have already published non-fiction now.
Post 9 • IP   flag post
Rev private msg quote post Address this user
@jycmba

I would love to participate. When and where?
Post 10 • IP   flag post
jycmba private msg quote post Address this user
@Rev - Excellent! Let's PM to coordinate!
Post 11 • IP   flag post
Belew private msg quote post Address this user
@jycmba

I *might* be interested as well. But November is tough. I'll be traveling for abt half the month.

Put a big asterisk next to my name.
Post 12 • IP   flag post
jycmba private msg quote post Address this user
@Belew Nanowrimo is not for the faint of heart - I've struggled to pick up steam in the past. This time I'm looking at pre-loading some blog posts so my writing load goes down by then.
Post 13 • IP   flag post
SusanDay private msg quote post Address this user
I did NaNoWriMo one year. It's time consuming to say the least but I did enjoy fininshing with 50,003 words (no lie). Planning is certainly the best option.
Post 14 • IP   flag post
Belew private msg quote post Address this user
@SusanDay

That's s lot of words.

How did your novel turn out? Readable?
Post 15 • IP   flag post
SusanDay private msg quote post Address this user
It was my first attempt in the murder mystery genre. I normally write for children. It was fun and I kept the plot together but it needed a darn good editing at the end. It never got it and it hasn't been published.
Post 16 • IP   flag post
26130 16 16
destitute